Sammy Sosa: Not Down With The Brown

Kanye West said it first.  He said it loud, he said it proud.  Unfortunate for some, he wasn’t 100% acurate with his statement.  You know the one regarding George Bush and his lack of a preference for the Negroid clan.  While there’s no denying something, other than the water, was fishy with the former Commander-in-Chief’s reaction to the ‘Nawlins Katrina aftermath, there are apparently other more nefarious ne’er-do-wells out there.

It’s bad enough to judge or dislike those who are different.  It’s a whole other world to dislike yourself because you don’t fit the preferred mold.  Many a sorry soul traversing this planet are not satisfied with their appearance.  These persons do all kinds of fuckery to their faces and figures, striving to attain what nature did not bestow.

Whether it be collagen in the lips, fake and bakes, calf implants or gluing weave into your dry scalp, too many of us succumb to the machine and think that we need to ‘enhance’ our looks, in order to be perceived in a better light.  While being one of the most glaring examples of this, we shall leave the late King of Pop out of this arguement, as there were extenuating issues of the extreme variety involved…  But, then there’s this:

Oh, snap!  Wrong one!  We meant to post this one:

Surely, mine eyes doth playeth tricks on me!!!  We’re confused, perplexed even.  Sammy, my man, waaa-hapun???  Last we saw you, you were in front of some old fogies in Congress, suffering from some sort of acute amnesia and had forgotten the basics of the English language. 

Prior to that, you were swinging corked pieces of pine for homeruns and injecting your butt with that “Vitamin B” shit, that turns suckas into the Grey Hulk.  That smack must really work, as now you’re looking like the Vanilla Avenger. Sheeeeeeeeeee-it!

We mean, seriously man, what possessed you to do this?  When probed by the media about his new ‘enlightened’ appearance, genius boy comes up with an explanation well beyond the grasp of all things rational:

“It’s a bleaching cream that I apply before going to bed and whitens my skin some,” Sosa said. “It’s a cream that I have, that I used to soften (my skin), but has bleached me some.

It ‘bleached you some’?  A bleaching cream?  No shit, genius.  What Chew cannot understand from that statement is, is this a bleaching cream, softening cream, or some sort of twisted hybrid?

Regardless of its purpose, what sane individual would think that putting that junk on their face would be a good idea?  Celebrities are strange creatures…  They earn ridiculous amounts of money, so you’d think that they could afford some common sense, or competent Yes Men to talk them out of such foolishness, let alone products that won’t turn them into Powder!!!

Then, the newly-minted albino comes up with this piece of wis-dumb:

I’m not a racist. I live my life happily.”

What does this MEAN???  We doubt the reporter had previously implied that the milky exterior was in some way race-related.  How can one ‘live happily’ when they look like they’re eternally ready to greet Death, or at least dress up as him for Hallowe’en? Most emos would kill for this look, literally.

We’ve heard that them steroid Vitamin B shots can make peeps lose their heads a little.  ‘Cept, Sammy didn’t lose it, he just remodelled that mofo.  The cherry on top of course would have to be the Afro-sheened, Jheri-curling, side-parted coif that he’s sporting.  Vicious hybrid, indeed.  David James, anyone?

Now, that’s gangsta!!!

To read the entire fable in full, check here.

~ by Té on November 11, 2009.

2 Responses to “Sammy Sosa: Not Down With The Brown”

  1. Seems like you are a true pro. Did ya study about the subject? lol

  2. You have no idea!

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